will you live ? or not?

Emergency department are always full of life scenarios.

That fine morning, a 60+ year old auntie was admitted to the red zone. An end stage renal failure patient who is currently on dialysis, admitted because of shortness of breath secondary to fluid overload with fever. She was not able to ambulate by herself and was dependent on others for daily living. On examination we found a few bedsore on her back which are very likely having active infection that explains the fever and fast heart beat.

She looks very ill , unable to talk and express herself well. Not that old, at a age where my dad gonna be in 10 years time. When I was looking at her, the specialist beside me asked, if u were her, will you live? As in do u still have the motivation to live when life seems so meaningless? I am hesitant. He told me then, he will not. He made quite a strong impression on me, and make me to think over the situation. What will be my choice? What are the choices left?

At age of 20+, I have never imagine myself having a chronic disabling illness. But what if the person lying there is me? I might not have enough courage to carry on.. the drive to continue living . As for now, it's my dream, future and my love ones. If everything has shattered, well I have no idea what is my choice then. It maybe too early to think of all these. We shall enjoy our lives as we can. But it's just something to ponder about as I met with the situation and trying to put myself into it.

Too heavy huh? To think about life illness and death. And I know that thinking of all this has nothing related to the final exam in 55 days. :)

Told my mom, the first thing I wake up thinking is final exam and the last thing I think before going bed also is my final. Hahaa. Just joking. Just to tell my mom how important this is :p